My nose this time. There’s blood all over my shirt, I don’t want to imagine what my face must look like. He must have knocked me unconscious; I don’t remember all this blood. Where is he?
I hit her, I hit her again. Why?
My hand’s still covered in blood, her blood, and now mine.
Why am I doing this to myself?
Why am I doing this to her?
I hate myself.
I hate myself because I hate her.
There’s a trail of blood on the floor, there’s blood everywhere, it can’t be mine… there’s too much. Where is he?
This cut is deep; I should stop the bleeding… if I want to live.
There’s glass all over the floor, I need to get out and help her, help myself. I have to be careful, there’s glass on the floor. Picking myself up, I feel lightheaded, my knees are weak – I’m falling.
I found him.
Oh God, he’s lying in a pool of blood.
He seems unconscious, there’s so much blood on the floor… and glass.
There’s blood on the mirror, at least what’s left of it.
He’s bleeding from his arm, he’s cut himself. I need to stop the bleeding.
Reaching out to help him I see his reflection, in the pieces of the broken mirror on the bathroom floor, our reflection. He’s lost a lot of blood; I should call for an ambulance.
He’s going to be alright, that’s what they said. He just needs to rest… What about me?
My nose is broken, my face is purple, my skin is bruised & I feel numb.
This isn’t the first time, and it won’t be the last – because I love him.
He seems so calm now, reminds me of how he used to be, how we used to be.
All of this over something as stupid as… what was it?
I can’t remember, I can never remember.
It was something stupid, I’m sure.
Or was it?
I don’t know… I can’t remember.
He’s asleep, looks like he’s dreaming.
I love you, she says.
I just stand there, staring at her.
Why can’t I say anything?
Why can’t I reply?
All I can think of is how much she annoys me.
She’s leaning in to me.
I’m still standing there, looking away.
Why am I so disgusted by her?
Why can’t I look her in the face?
All I can think of is how filthy I am.
My fist is clenched.
She’s saying something.
I can’t make out the words, they sound so loud.
My head hurts, she‘s hurting me.
I feel her turn my head towards her.
She’s saying something, she says she’d never hurt me.
I hit her.
Awake now, I see her sitting beside me, she hasn’t noticed yet. I don’t want her to; I don’t know what to say. I close my eyes; I can still see her, her bloodied and battered face, my bloody hands on her face.
I hate her.
I hate her for loving me.
They say I’m going to be alright, I’m going to have to stay here for a while. I lost a lot of blood. They’ve put me on watch again; I might actually need it this time. Where is she?
I can’t do this anymore.
He hates me; I saw it in his eyes.
I saw his fist hit my face; I saw it in his eyes.
I can’t do this anymore.
She’s gone for a walk, they say, she needed some air.
She needed to be away from me.
I can’t give up now.
He seemed so calm when he was asleep.
No, it’s not like him to be calm.
It’s not like him to be normal –but isn’t that why I love him?
I can’t give up now.
She took care of the police, they say, she told them it was a suicide attempt. She took care of me.
What will he say?
How am I going to tell him?
I’ve tried before, used every word, but it always ends with a broken bone; my nose this time.
What do I say? How do I say it?
Every time she’s near me I feel like punching her face in – why?
It’s not her fault, it’s never her fault, but why?
Why doesn’t she ever screw up? Why is it always me?
I hate the way she shoves it in my face, I hate that face.
Breathe – just thinking of that face makes my blood boil.
Calm down. Count backwards from ten.
Ten – Eyes closed, I see her now
Nine – Pale dead eyes floating in the dark
Eight – Above the purple lips that so often meet my fists
Seven – Voicing her words of choice that I could never choose
Six – Piercing through me like the blank stare I could never see through
Five – Emphasized by the black around her sleepless eyes
Four – Staring back at me through the black of the night
Three – Sleeping with her eyes wide open
Two – Tears run tracks of black along her cheek
One – and sink down to the black heart inside of me; the cause of her grief.
What do I do?
What can I do?
I can’t take this; I just wish everything would be normal.
Just think of the happy times; were there any?
I remember now.
Hazel eyes; tranquil, calm and so serene. Blue laced in green, a million little lines traced on brown. She’s caught in a trance only disturbed by the words he speaks. Why doesn’t he speak?
He lets her fall in to a void, the little black speck in the middle, the black hole growing bigger and bigger as she falls further into his arms; will he catch her as she falls?
He leans in to her; so close they feel a million miles away from the rest, all alone with only themselves in their own perfect world. He pulls her closer. The world grows smaller, closing in on them, they couldn’t care less.
Their lips touch and no one hears a sound, wedding bells ring in a church in their dreams. They’re holding hands, their fingers interlock and they slip right through each other. For just a moment, they’re one. In their own orbit, an ornament, dancing in circles, they’re together now; in their own perfect world.
Snow falls to the rhythm of the wedding chimes. They’re made of marzipan standing on the millionth tier, a tear streams down her cheek, she melts in his eyes; with every kiss, with every step. Closer now. He holds her close.
He won’t let her go. He holds her tight. She won’t slip away; he won’t let her slip out of his arms. He won’t let her go; he won’t let her melt right through his fingers. He holds her close. He holds her tight; too tight.
They’re in a park, she’s leaning against a tree, and he’s right in front of her. There are a million things on his mind, and all of them revolve around her, and there’s not a word he can say. She speaks, her lips curl up in a smile, sparking a fire in his eyes.
He listens as she goes on about the leaves and trees and all the things that never bothered him. He stares into her eyes; she pauses, her lips lay still, her feet stop sweeping the ground, her mind stops thinking for a moment, her ears listen closely to the sound of his lips opening up as he’s about to speak.
“I love it when you do this”, the words fall off his tongue.
She blinks. She heard what he said but she doesn’t know what it was. She blinks again.
“The way you keep talking about every little thing that bothers you, all the little details only you would notice, the way you paint a picture in my mind of a place I’ve already been, the paradise you define, it could be anywhere, all it needs is you.”
She kicks his ankle and stops his scream with her tongue. Of all the things he loved about her, what he loved most was the way she’d mix pleasure with pain. She’d light a fire and tame it; she’d play with fire without the fear of getting burnt.
His blood thickened, his heart raced, his eyes widened as his hands made their way about her. His grip tightened, she was far too lost in the moment to notice; this was bad.
He wanted more. He pulled her closer than before, luring her tongue in to his mouth as his jaws closed in. Her eyes tore open as the blood trickled down her tongue; she winced and motioned for him to stop. He didn’t take notice, he wanted more. She pushed him away.
She caught a glimpse of herself in his eyes; now glossy mirrors in the sun. She took a deep breath and made her way towards him, slowly. He was breathing heavily, trying to calm himself down. She asked him if he was going to be alright.
He grew silent, his panting slowed down to silent breaths. The sun found a place to hide behind the clouds as he stood up and turned away from her, walking in the direction that would lead him back home. He left her alone.
She followed the breadcrumbs back, she shouldn’t have, she knew better. She found her way back in to his home, she stood at the door, her feet on the doormat that now read “come Home”. She waited a while thinking out what she would do. She lifted her hand up to knock, but tried opening the door instead, it wasn’t locked.
Her eyes widened as she opened the door, the room was almost pitch dark. She made her way in, careful not to make too much noise, she didn’t want to alert him. He’d probably be in the bedroom, she walked in.
She found him there. Sitting by the windowsill; a jailbird in a cage of his own making. Staring out towards the light. The last bit of hope streaming through his window.
He didn’t take notice of her.
“I know I shouldn’t be here right now, but I was worried and I thought having someone with you might help, you seem better now.”
He turned, looked at her, and turned back to his window.
“You know if there’s anything on your mind you can just say it.”
He got up off his chair, walked up towards her, slowly.
She took a quick breath, she didn’t want him to notice she was nervous. He took her hand in his and rubbed his thumb on her palm as if to say he was sorry. She smiled.
He looked in to her eyes. Her black eyes were all he could see, the room became darker now, all he saw was her stare burning right through him. The image froze in his mind.
“I love you”
She waits for him to respond, he doesn’t.
She moves in towards him, he turns his head away.
She takes her hand up and runs a finger along his face, coaxing him to look towards her; he does.
“You’re safe here, you’re safe with me. You know I’d never do anything to hurt you”, his face twitches, “don’t you?”