The Bottom Of The Abyss.
I’ve hit an all new low. My topic for the oral presentation we had to do at class was Depression. I’m so fucking depressed. It’s moving into self-neglect and self-harm now. Not a good sign. And yet, nothings improving. I am a coward. A procrastinator and a coward. I am so afraid. I want to be selfish. For once I just want to do the most selfish thing but I can’t. I will always be selfless yet unwanted.
Yesterday was probably one of the worst so far. Today is not going to be easy. I don’t even know what’s going to happen. I’m screwed. I am so fucking screwed. FUCK! I am such a fucking coward I never face up to things in time. I always run. I always run away. I can never find a safe place to hide. All my walls can be seen through. I am only partially here and I’m not sure how much longer I will be. I’ve thought long and hard about this many times before and it’s never been more difficult. I just want all this to be over. I just want to start again. But the ghosts of my past still linger. I can not run away from myself.
Right now I feel alright, and I’m sober so that’s really good. What it took to get me here however is not so good. I think I may be getting addicted, or rather developing a need. I shouldn’t. I can’t let my guard down. This is just the calm before the storm. I highly doubt I’m going to make it. But I can hope. Though “Hope is always fear for the pain it may cost” as Sarah Bettens says in her song All Of This Past (featured below).
This might be the last post for a while or possibly the last I’ll ever write. I will be back though, in another time or place. My soul will always linger here in the dark, in the comfort of my abyss.
“The light is beautiful but I’m darker than light.”