The Bottom Of The Abyss.

I’ve hit an all new low. My topic for the oral presentation we had to do at class was Depression. I’m so fucking depressed. It’s moving into self-neglect and self-harm now. Not a good sign. And yet, nothings improving. I am a coward. A procrastinator and a coward. I am so afraid. I want to be selfish. For once I just want to do the most selfish thing but I can’t. I will always be selfless yet unwanted.

Yesterday was probably one of the worst so far. Today is not going to be easy. I don’t even know what’s going to happen. I’m screwed. I am so fucking screwed. FUCK! I am such a fucking coward I never face up to things in time. I always run. I always run away. I can never find a safe place to hide. All my walls can be seen through. I am only partially here and I’m not sure how much longer I will be. I’ve thought long and hard about this many times before and it’s never been more difficult. I just want all this to be over. I just want to start again. But the ghosts of my past still linger. I can not run away from myself.

Right now I feel alright, and I’m sober so that’s really good. What it took to get me here however is not so good. I think I may be getting addicted, or rather developing a need. I shouldn’t. I can’t let my guard down. This is just the calm before the storm. I highly doubt I’m going to make it. But I can hope. Though “Hope is always fear for the pain it may cost” as Sarah Bettens says in her song All Of This Past (featured below).

This might be the last post for a while or possibly the last I’ll ever write. I will be back though, in another time or place. My soul will always linger here in the dark, in the comfort of my abyss.

“The light is beautiful but I’m darker than light.”

10 Responses to “The Bottom Of The Abyss.”
  1. bkladyired says:

    Where you are is where I’ve been – but trying to work through it in my own head. I can’t write any more (well for now I guess – though I’m never sure) because my words only serve to convince me that my life is pretty pointless, I’m not really living, and things will only get worse. That’s a pep talk I can do without.

    So I hang in there (I really hate that phrase).

    What I lose by not soldiering on is for always, taking away my chance to ever know anything different. It’s succumbing to the darkness that has only kept me cold inside – and the darkness doesn’t win until I say so, that’s my stubborn desire to control – so I keep seeking the light.

    I can’t let myself take myself out of the game – and I won’t let emotions, people, or those things that happen to me change me, or kill me.

    But my friend, that’s me.

    As for you, my friend, you inspire with words in such a way as only you are able – evoking emotion from the heart so often cold and void. I respect your desire and right to hide away – to turn and run – but I truly hope you do not.


  2. Keep it together bro.. im confident you’ll pull through neways.. as for smoking up, well a bit of advice, dont do it when you’re down and dont do it when you’re alone.. turns out i know a blogger who knows ur neighborhood blogger friend. we could all meet up for a puff sometime 😀 see what kinda shit we’ll talk heheh.. peace

  3. Peejay says:

    ” Everything is okay in the end. If it’s not okay, then it’s not the end. “

  4. Nefarious says:

    runaway. just go =D

  5. FRGT10 says:

    Yo dude.. what the scene? just hang in there man.. it will blow over soon.. i felt like that recently, but i managed to overcome it.. so just take it easy..

    @ Whackster – great idea bro we should meet up and smoke up sometime soon..

  6. Foxhound says:

    Like FRGT10 says… this shit blows over eventually. It’s a part of who you are…

    As for the running… I’m a person who had endless nightmare after nightmare about running. The running never ends because you can’t escape what you carry with you – which means running is not an option.

    As for being partially here… I’ve got no answer to that one.

  7. DD says:

    Drink lots of OJ and take vitamin C.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: