On Being

I don’t know what I want to be. Right now I’d like to be alive for a while, but more importantly, I’d like to be. I’ve decided that I can’t decide how I want the next five years of my life to be, where I want to be, or what I want to be doing. I’ve come to the conclusion that there will never be a conclusion; there is only truth, which is both ever-changing as well as ever the same. And what is this truth?

The truth is that I am a drifter.

I know, isn’t it such a sudden realization of great truth, enough to shatter someone’s universe. But no, it’s not really. I’ve been wandering about for a while now, but before it’s always been seen, or rather pointed out to be “straying”, or being “distracted”. I don’t use those words to describe it anymore. Not even “undecided”, I’ve already decided. It’s just that my decision is a variable, a constantly changing decision that is very much like turning the sides of a Rubik’s Cube. My decision is to keep turning it until all sides match. In the timeframe of a human lifetime, the probability of this is quite unlikely. We can’t all be Buddha’s, but I’d like to have at least a side or two in the same colour.

Maybe I won’t even get one side right, but that won’t mean I stop turning. Maybe my greatest realization will be that the sky is blue and grass is green, but the blue I see is not the blue you see, the green before me is only a frequency, and we all interpret these differently. Maybe everything that is seen and unseen is merely vibrating at different frequencies, and we only see a certain band of these. This could explain supernatural beings, djinns, and other forms living, or rather being, at the same time and place as us. Or maybe I’ve had too much time to think.

But think about it, what if what we perceive is limited by what our sensory organs are able to receive. It doesn’t take a genius to figure that out, but imagine that there is so much more out there. Screw out there, there’s so much more right here within your reach, but you can’t see it because your eyes aren’t capable of seeing it. You can’t hear it because your ears aren’t capable of hearing it. You can’t taste it because your tongue can’t taste it. You can’t feel it because your nerves can’t feel it. You can’t smell it because your nose can’t smell it. But you could, if your senses evolved.

To me, there are two kinds of drifters. There are those who drift because they know that the purpose of life is to explore as widely as possible the possibilities of human life, of the mind, of perception, of our time. Then there are those who drift because they don’t know what purpose in itself means, but wander around hoping to stumble upon it. I’d like to think I belong to the former, though you can’t really belong to it.

As far as I’m concerned the only thing I want to achieve by the time I’m dead is to evolve my mind, to expand my senses, and to perceive more than what we are limited to. To escape binary, to see energy transform itself, form to form, flowing from one to the other, neither black nor white, not even gray. Just an ever-changing, ever the same, flow of energy. Breathing in, and out, and in, and out, and in.

What is it to be?

Is it to exist? Is it to live? Is it to be seen, to be heard, to be felt, to be tasted, to be smelt?
Is it any of the senses?
Is it to be acknowledged?  Is it to be a part of society? Is it to believe?
Is it anything besides just breathing, being and becoming within that breath, that only leads to the next breath, that when exhaled leads into yet another, until we are all out of breath, and we cease to be.

I don’t know.

To me, to be is to know that this moment, and this, and this, and this, is constantly changing, as everything is change, and instead of letting this moment, and this, and this, pass by unnoticed, I would like to be aware of each of them, and to exist within them. To be, in this, and this, and this moment, because this moment is all there is. And beyond this, is nothing.

photo-credit: flickr.com/semi-detached

28 Responses to “On Being”
  1. Jerry says:

    Bloody spam filter. What I said was:
    Good post.

  2. Gehan says:

    very well written post Fallen. i dont necessarily agree with some of your points, but it’s still a well thought up post.

  3. T says:

    love the post. Thoughts that have crossed my mind more than once.

  4. Sabby says:

    Thought-provoking post, Fallen.
    Very well written.

  5. PseudoRandom says:

    Beautifully written 🙂

  6. javajones says:

    Ever try acid??? But seriously, check out Krishnamurthi, you may find some answers there…

    • St. Fallen says:

      I have man, listened to most of the stuff that’s on youtube. but even after all that, the conclusion lies in that very important question he asks in one of his talks: “people, why don’t you change?”

  7. black says:

    trippy… absolutely loved the para with the Rubik’s Cube bit.

  8. javajones says:

    You have? Tried acid, or was it just Krishnamurthi? Don’t know about that question though, as people DO change – just about the only constant in the universe! Perhaps he was talking about the change in the way people ‘see’? Anyway, it seems to me that the pondering in your post is well explained by Krishnamurthi in his whole exposition about ‘thought’ and the intelligence that transcends it.

  9. javajones says:

    Are you avoiding the ‘acid’ question? And of course ‘perception’ and ‘seeing’ (in terms of the Krishnamurthi reference) is pretty much the same thing. And speaking of ‘perception’ and ‘acid’ – check out ‘The doors of perception’ by Huxley – if you haven’t already. There’s a whole slew of stuff on this and expansion of consciousness, but then you have to experience IT…. which brings us back to the original question!

    • St. Fallen says:

      you don’t need to drop acid to experience it… I’ve listened to Huxley’s Doors on audiobook while… dissociated, I’ll put it that way. Much has changed since the day we met old man (:

  10. javajones says:

    Well, you’ll never know that until you’ve ‘experienced’ it will you??? And ‘fear’ is one of the biggest obstacles to opening up those ‘doors’. Of course “much has changed..” – no need to state the obvious. I also detect a sign of frustration in your tone – what the fuck does age have to do with enlightenment?

    • St. Fallen says:

      age has nothing at all to do with anything, time is only relative. frustration, hmm not so much. just don’t have much time to really respond that’s all. I do find it a bit condescending though, the whole “experience” it, thing. but maybe I’m getting the wrong signals. I don’t think anyone can judge what someone else has experienced. so yeah.

  11. javajones says:

    I actually thought you understood where I was coming from! The ‘acid’ / Doors of Perception thing was to let you know that folk like Huxley, Watts, Leary, Ram Das, et al considered acid to be a ‘short-cut’ to experiencing the expanding of consciousness which they viewed as a glimpse of ‘Nirvana’ or ‘cosmic consciousness’. Of course those who have hangups (psychological / major ego problems and/or otherwise ) will in all probability have a bad trip – for all sorts of reasons too complex to get into here, and should NOT try it. The ‘fear’ of opening up those doors of perception for those (like yourself) who are looking for ‘being’ (as you put it) is the impediment to that knowledge.

    The “what has age got to do…” thing was a reaction to your “old man” crack, which I momentarily took to be an attempt at a put-down and thought that it reflected a puerile attempt at evading the issue and the ego at its weakest.

    Good luck with your quest young man…

    • St. Fallen says:

      it wasn’t a crack at that at all man I was just referring to my first comment on you when I met you that day “dude, you’re old!” were my words, if I remember right. it wasn’t meant to be a put-down at all

      and I did get the point about Huxley etc, not so sure about the others who’ll read through this. it definitely is a short-cut, but I’m only 19, and I think I can give myself a few more years to try reach that state without having to take that short-cut. I’ve already had some pretty intense experiences. maybe the next time we meet I’ll tell you off them. not exactly stuff I can post here.

      and thank you for your response “wise man”, I shall call you henceforth 😛

  12. Whacko says:

    cool post..most of reality could very well be pure perception. iv got a book of krishanamoorthy, good stuff

  13. chathuraw says:

    Ah! Back to writing I see.

    Great post man! 🙂

  14. javajones says:

    Gotcha! Glad to hear you got the gist of where I was coming from. You’re looking for ‘stuff’ I never even considered at 19, so if you stay on track I’m sure you will have some success. Like I said before – good luck, and I really mean it.

    Alan Watts is an interesting case and his ‘Joyous Cosmology’ is worth a read. Check it out.

  15. your writing again. phew.

  16. Chavie says:

    great post mate, very well thought out and written! 🙂

    good to see you writing again.

  17. Chavie says:

    and yes, like Java said, good luck in your quest to widen your perception and rearrange the Rubik’s cube… 🙂

  18. Ranmalee says:

    It’s easy to drift. But hardest part is to drift where you want to and to stop when you want to.

  19. javajones says:

    Hey, I forgot to mention that stopping ‘thought’ (or that incessant chatter in your head) is one way of achieving that state of ‘being’ – even if it is for an instant – and then ‘time’ stops!

    There’s more about this and the method of achieving it in Krishnamurthi’s ‘discussions’.

  20. javajones says:

    You’ve not been seeing a shrink, have you? No, it’s actually an interesting exercise in ‘total’ awareness…

  21. javajones says:

    That explains it….

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