I don’t know what I want to be. Right now I’d like to be alive for a while, but more importantly, I’d like to be. I’ve decided that I can’t decide how I want the next five years of my life to be, where I want to be, or what I want to be doing. I’ve come to the conclusion that there will never be a conclusion; there is only truth, which is both ever-changing as well as ever the same. And what is this truth?
The truth is that I am a drifter.
I know, isn’t it such a sudden realization of great truth, enough to shatter someone’s universe. But no, it’s not really. I’ve been wandering about for a while now, but before it’s always been seen, or rather pointed out to be “straying”, or being “distracted”. I don’t use those words to describe it anymore. Not even “undecided”, I’ve already decided. It’s just that my decision is a variable, a constantly changing decision that is very much like turning the sides of a Rubik’s Cube. My decision is to keep turning it until all sides match. In the timeframe of a human lifetime, the probability of this is quite unlikely. We can’t all be Buddha’s, but I’d like to have at least a side or two in the same colour.
Maybe I won’t even get one side right, but that won’t mean I stop turning. Maybe my greatest realization will be that the sky is blue and grass is green, but the blue I see is not the blue you see, the green before me is only a frequency, and we all interpret these differently. Maybe everything that is seen and unseen is merely vibrating at different frequencies, and we only see a certain band of these. This could explain supernatural beings, djinns, and other forms living, or rather being, at the same time and place as us. Or maybe I’ve had too much time to think.
But think about it, what if what we perceive is limited by what our sensory organs are able to receive. It doesn’t take a genius to figure that out, but imagine that there is so much more out there. Screw out there, there’s so much more right here within your reach, but you can’t see it because your eyes aren’t capable of seeing it. You can’t hear it because your ears aren’t capable of hearing it. You can’t taste it because your tongue can’t taste it. You can’t feel it because your nerves can’t feel it. You can’t smell it because your nose can’t smell it. But you could, if your senses evolved.
To me, there are two kinds of drifters. There are those who drift because they know that the purpose of life is to explore as widely as possible the possibilities of human life, of the mind, of perception, of our time. Then there are those who drift because they don’t know what purpose in itself means, but wander around hoping to stumble upon it. I’d like to think I belong to the former, though you can’t really belong to it.
As far as I’m concerned the only thing I want to achieve by the time I’m dead is to evolve my mind, to expand my senses, and to perceive more than what we are limited to. To escape binary, to see energy transform itself, form to form, flowing from one to the other, neither black nor white, not even gray. Just an ever-changing, ever the same, flow of energy. Breathing in, and out, and in, and out, and in.
What is it to be?
Is it to exist? Is it to live? Is it to be seen, to be heard, to be felt, to be tasted, to be smelt?
Is it any of the senses?
Is it to be acknowledged? Is it to be a part of society? Is it to believe?
Is it anything besides just breathing, being and becoming within that breath, that only leads to the next breath, that when exhaled leads into yet another, until we are all out of breath, and we cease to be.
I don’t know.
To me, to be is to know that this moment, and this, and this, and this, is constantly changing, as everything is change, and instead of letting this moment, and this, and this, pass by unnoticed, I would like to be aware of each of them, and to exist within them. To be, in this, and this, and this moment, because this moment is all there is. And beyond this, is nothing.