Mother, Forgive Me.

As much as I’ve said I hate my mother over the years, there’s no doubt in my mind that I love her too much to say it. Everyone says I’m her favourite son, yet I don’t think anyone else has ever disappointed her as much as I have. When I was young she would beat me when I misbehaved, she’d have a cane that she’d use when she didn’t have enough energy to kick me around on the ground, and she’d threaten to spread chili on my tongue if I said anything bad.

By the time I was eight I was tall enough to not worry about her kicking me to the floor anymore, by then I was confident that I could fight back. And so I did. For over ten years I’ve been fighting back, and quite frankly, I’m sick of it. I’m sick of having to be someone else when I face my parents. I’m sick of not being appreciated for who I really am. I’m a drifter, it’s just how I am, and if they can’t accept that, then I’m not sure if I should be living with them anymore. I can’t keep fighting like this, because it always ends with me leaving her in tears.

To cut a long story short, my mother thinks I’m a drug addict. She also knows that when my friends come over it’s not just to play Street Fighter IV. The first time she found a packet of weed in my room she confiscated it and showed my younger brother. According to him she seemed frightened more than anything. A few weeks later she found something far worse, something I can’t mention here. I feel like it’s not just my mother I should apologize to, but anyone who’s ever had any faith in me to stay away from hard drugs. I’m so sorry.

To those concerned, I only smoke marijuana now, I’ve learnt from my mistakes. Over the past 2 years my life has been changing so drastically I can imagine why anyone would be worried about where I’d end up. And I really don’t know, in two weeks time I won’t have a job, I don’t even know if I’ll be able to afford the recording costs for the album I want to release with the band. All my dreams are just what they are, they’re fictional, they’re in my head, and they don’t seem like they’ll ever come true.

Why do I do this to myself? Two years ago I wanted to be a software engineer, then I realized I couldn’t be organized. A year later I wanted to be a journalist, so I started a course. Six months ago I dropped out of college, and no, I’m not going back. I don’t know what I want. There, I said it. And I’m sorry. Maybe I’m not meant to amount to anything. God, I feel so fucking depressed right now I want to choke myself and just die right here as I hit the Publish button.

There was a time when I was so sure I was ready to die that I started typing a farewell post, and I thought I had gotten past that. I’m sorry about this post, really, I am. I know it serves no purpose telling you all this, but to be honest, you are the only friends I have. The only people who know me even a little are the ones that read this pathetic excuse for a blog. Whether or not you’ll even care about what happens to me, I don’t know, but it helps that you’re here. Thank you for listening, I don’t know what else to say. I’m sorry I exist.

Goodbye.

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Comments
18 Responses to “Mother, Forgive Me.”
  1. Amrish says:

    One of the BEST Blogs on the Internet. Very touchy!

  2. GGPurple says:

    i feel u. i really do.

    just just hang in there. and like the cliche’ goes everything happens for a god damn reason.

  3. Ashani says:

    Imaad, this was an extremely touching post!
    I don’t really know what to say to make it any better for you, because I know words like “It’ll all be okay” or “You’re going to be fine” or “It’s just a phase” are things that people say all the time. It doesn’t actually give the solace that might be required.

    All I can say is that you DO have people who would be concerned about you, even though they might not always tell you that they do. And more than anyone else, as you already know, it is your mom who would love you the most. 🙂

    And regarding your career plans, well you better try and get your thoughts together because you’re an extremely talented person. At least that’s what I’ve deduced from the short timespan that I knew you in Lanka. You can achieve a lot, but I think you need more drive and ambition to get there.

    Hang in there, dude. 🙂

  4. John says:

    You can’t let the world get to you man. We all dream and that’s the best part of life. You go to your jobs, your studies your professional development courses but what’s it all in aid of? We all do it because maybe someday we’ll be able to catch those dreams, however fleetingly. That’s why we go through the grinder. Because along the way, interesting things happen and life’s all the more awesome because of it!

    And it’s good you’re off the hard drugs on your own. You’re only 23? 22? Plenty of time to actually make something of yourself. Just do something you love. I’m a coder and I’m terrible at organizing myself, but I do it because I can’t even imagine doing anything other than coding and because of that I’m a hell of a lot better than most of them out there.

  5. aufidius says:

    Chin up young friend, it’s never too late to change if you think that’s the right thing to do. I have seen people in far greater misfortunes who turned their lives around, I am certain there’s nothing stopping you from doing so!

    • Dee says:

      Agreed with Auf. I was just watching Oprah yesterday, called “Don’t stop believing”. They featured the current lead singer of the band Journey- Arnel Pineda, originally from Manila, he gathered scrap metal to exchange for food as a child. After long years of singing to make ends meet, someone saw a vid of him on Youtube and he became the lead singer of the band. He now has a foundation to help poor children who are just like him when he was young.

      So, its just about making do with what you have and never stopping because you can do it. and giving back when you make it. 😉

      In my religion, it says that getting a human life is pretty tough, so you should do your best. In other religions, it says that god gives you one talent and its up to you to make the best out of it, then he’ll give you more. So whatever you believe, the point is yes, life is tough, you shouldn’t expect much. But take what you do have and make the best out of it.

      and i dunno…ppl have different views on doing drugs hard or soft. but you have a great mind, a fantastic thing called a brain which we use only 10% of! Mine altering can make you feel good, pass time…it can be a phase when young, it can create a perception about u which you like…whatever… but think about it. who’s ur idol, what did they do to make it in life? Sure jimi hendrix was a pothead, but i’m sure he thought hard waht he was good at, worked on it… and died. O.o irrelevant. OK shall stop now. Hope that helped. lolz.

      xo

  6. chiyo says:

    last Saturday ma Eng Lit teacher told us that itz ur parents who loves u unconditionally no matter wat u r!!! :)so don’t hurt ur mom

  7. Lunudehi says:

    I tackle hug you.

  8. black says:

    u got talent – don’t waste it. get ur act together.
    (*hug*)

  9. magerata says:

    Hey, Hey, My friend, There is nothing in this world that is more precious than your own life. With that you can make people happy, make them laugh, share a hit as you may call it and even make some one unhappy. That is all because you are alive.
    Life has a lot of annoyances but they are like farts, some just air, some make noise and smell a bit, and then you got the Hiroshima kind, smell so bad you have to fan and run away or point the finger at the guy next to you. But the your next fart could be just noise, but nothing else. They are a part of life.
    So hang in there, or run away if you need to or get lost in your guitar, Mothers and fathers, just be thankful for to them for giving you a life, nothing less or more if you can manage it.
    Let us hear another piece of your music!

  10. well dunno what to say…but read what you have said…

  11. Among My Swan says:

    i know many people who are in their early 20’s and have no fucking clue on what they want to do, I’m a perfect example of that.

    we’re still young and I guess I try to tell myself that I shouldn’t stress so much. hopefully, we all figure this out, untie these knots.

    only you can figure that out.

    keeping yourself surrounded by good people, looking after your body, exploring, learning, creating.

    easy to get yourself into drugs, do the opposite of what you should be doing – to look after your self. i made the same mistake, we all make mistakes.

    but see the positives, treat your self , nourish your self well and hopefully things take off from there.

    it’s not so dark.

  12. Seesaw says:

    Have you considered seeing a doctor about how you feel? I know it’s probably the last thing you want to hear, but if someone told you that maybe all the negativity and depression can be treated, wouldn’t you want to give it a try? I believe in trying to snap out of it as much as possible, but there comes a time when you need to realise that you deserve more out of life.

    Basically I recognise how you feel: that blackness that envelopes you and makes you feel like you’re worthless. And I don’t know you, but I care about what happens to you. So get help, and then get started on pulling your life back together. Give it a thought. You can write to me if you like, can help you out with how to get started!

  13. javajones says:

    …and this too shall pass

  14. Sabby says:

    I think this is the most honest I have seen you be, to us and even to yourself, I think.
    Hope things get better.

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