Ever since I gave up on my A level exams I’ve had an incredible knack for letting myself down. I’m a highschool and college dropout. I’ve even dropped out from workplaces. I don’t want to continue in the same vein.

Defeatist, a word I’ve used to describe the behaviour of everyone aside from myself.

Hypocrite, a word that is coming close to defining who I am.

I’ve been called a spoilt brat for as long as memory holds true. Perhaps I am. I’ve been given too much, wasted even more. Even still I’ve managed to come this far. Though there are days I wonder what even drives me anymore.

All it takes is for someone I care about to point out my flaws and I break. I’ve been told I use people – that I play games. I’ve been told I don’t really feel ‘love’, get ‘hurt’ or ‘sad’. While it seems an absurd accusation, I’ve been given reasons.

I feel I give too much, perhaps I take too much for granted. I’d like to think I love freely. Openly. Yet, I hate when I’m judged based on criteria that applies to everyone else. ’cause I think I’m so fucking special. Clearly, I’m not.

Under that criteria I’m a bad person. So I guess I deserve all this. I can literally feel my heart sinking, pounding slowly, aching. The smoke enters and leaves, in some vain attempt to ease the pain. This needs to change. I need to wake the fuck up, there’s no such thing as a sleep-induced coma.

Wake up, Pillar.

3 Responses to “Defeatist”
  1. Angel says:


    This too shall pass.

  2. ldesilva says:

    hehe!! not to make light of your feelings.. but i know someone exactly like you! So, (a) you’re not alone and (b) you will find someone to love you for exactly who you are… i know that, coz i’m that person with that “someone exactly like you..” for the last one year. Contrary to the nay sayers and/ or the majority of ’em.. you guys have the capacity to love endlessly… and in return all that we ask for is some TLC couples with good -old fashioned loyalty!

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